Thoughts for the Days

~ “At the precipice, we all change.”  ~ paraphrase from The Day The Earth Stood Still

~ Who needs free speech anyhow?

~ Re-read Ayn Rand, Leo Tolstoy, George Orwell. That appears to be where America is heading.

~”If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” ~ Romans 12:18

~ Hatred is a choice, no matter what direction it is pointed and regardless of the cause. Groups don’t make choices; individuals make choices. Check yourself!

~ Just because you can, does it mean you should…and why would you want to do that anyhow?

~ “Just because there are things you haven’t heard about doesn’t mean that they don’t exist.” ~ Unknown

~ “Find a penny; pick it up.”

© 2010-2017 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

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Why I Write

To be honest, I write mainly for me. It’s a selfish interest – or at least it begins that way.

Writing helps me analyze everything: me, things, people, spaces, events, thoughts, perceptions. I guess it is one way that I have found to maintain my sanity when nothing seems to make sense.

Sometimes the writing comes at the beginning of the analysis. Most times, it comes toward the end as I strive to put the pieces together – pieces that I have been spinning and re-positioning in my head for God knows how long – and prepare to move on.

And everything gets analyzed in my world. If it is personally compelling enough for any reason, it gets written, and usually published to this blog.

Once a piece is written, and published, it becomes public domain and holds the power to influence a reader in whatever way the reader needs to perceive it.

Its message is perceived and used in ways only the reader can fathom. To a reader, my reason for writing becomes personal to him or her. It is no longer about me.

To a reader, I write for different reasons. And, in reality, these other reasons are a secondary benefit to me as well. If my writing has the power to achieve these goals for other people, in their time of need, then it was time and effort well spent.

To a reader, I might write……

To educate

To enlighten

To inspire

To reveal hope

To commiserate

To vent

To entertain

To change perspective

To deliver a message 

I met up with a few friends for drinks, and during the course of conversation I revealed that I am not a caregiver personality. I mean anyone that knows me knows that I have a good heart (at least, I hope they do); but I don’t ordinarily go out of my way to help others unless I am asked or unless I am keenly aware that they need and will accept my help.

That said, I hope that my writing “helps” others to work through their own issues in their own time, in their own way.

In a prismatic manner, maybe I am a caregiver after all.

© 2010-2017 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

Sticks and Stones

….will break my bones; but, words will never hurt me.  Remember that one?

I do.

According to my Google search, it first appeared in a publication called The Christian Recorder in 1862.

Basically, it means that you cannot be hurt by words. Only physical things, like sticks…and stones, can really truly hurt you. I expect that many Gen Xers and beyond, possibly even a few Millenials, remember the phrase, and hopefully its meaning.

I view its meaning as a tenet of maturity and wisdom – a principle. Principles are to be upheld at all costs. I raised my children to know this principle – understand it, and apply it. The expectation was, and is, don’t say things that will hurt others, and don’t get all bent out of shape when someone says something to try to hurt you. In order to achieve this, a person obviously has to have a very well established ego and self-esteem; basically, they need to know who they are and be proud of themselves.

Not an easy undertaking in our current society.

By the looks of it, however, it appears that many who are driven to frustration and anger over the state of our society and the status of the political spectrum have forgotten this phrase.

Many are trying to hurt with their words.

Many are being hurt by those very same words.

There is a vicious cycle brewing and bubbling.

Many of those words are opinion, not fact – yet, those words are being propagated as fact.

And those words sting.

The words being thrown around are nothing less than horrifying and degrading. In that sense, they could be allocated the weight of a stick or a stone, in certain individuals.

Sticks and stones being heaved over social media, just because they can.

If you view the words – thrown around like stones and rocks – as fact, this is what MSM, and even some of your Facebook friends, would have you believe:

  • that you are worthless because of your beliefs
  • that your beliefs are worthless because they are contrary to “xxxx”
  • that your beliefs are worthless because they are contrary to someone else’s
  • that you are not an individual if you support certain ideas
  • that because you are not an individual, you are stereotyped into a certain group
  • that the group you are stereotyped into is not worthy of anything except contempt
  • that your opinion is irrelevant
  • that you are wrong

What it boils down is these facts:

  • Judging your neighbor or your friend in the previously listed areas is now acceptable
  • The use of angry language and nasty epithets (basically depersonalizing another human being) against someone because they don’t agree with you is now the way to win the argument
  • Acknowledging that another human being has a different point of view, and that point of view is valid even though you don’t agree with it, is now out of fashion

Here is my opinion, based on the facts:

  • Each person is responsible for his actions and his words.
  • A person cannot be held responsible for the actions or words of someone else.
  • Our society is overrun by people who have an inability to think, speak, and act independently.
  • When people are not able to think, speak, and act independently, they are then more likely to not take responsibility for themselves. They will blame and instigate.
  • Groups of people who are followers, with no independent thought or personal responsibility, are dangerous.

What appears to be happening in our society now is disheartening and pathetic. I truly hope is only a blip and that it will subside and leave us a better people as a whole.

In the meantime, we, as individuals, have a lot of work to do. For as we take the actions that will uphold our fellow human beings, friend or not, we will propagate the ideals to make our society a better place after the turmoil in over.

© 2010-2017 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

 

 

Thoughts for the Days

~ If you can’t own it, don’t do it.

~ Gotta love the strength of a long-awaited and well-earned revelation. It has the power to flush away – in an instant – months of emotional turmoil and to restore stability and self-confidence.

~ “Nothing is unknown. It is only temporarily hidden.” ~ Star Trek Beyond

~ “In the end what you don’t surrender the world just strips away.” ~ Human Touch by Bruce Springsteen

~ “Life, for all its anguish, is ours. It belongs to no other.” ~ quoted from Penny Dreadful, Season 3, Episode 1

~ There is meaning in many of life’s events – tragedies, triumphs, disappointments, successes. All you need is the courage to look into the shadows to see what was hidden before and to be unafraid to connect the pieces.

~ What will you – the biased political pundits of FB (you are part of this group if you have made more than 1 politically tainted post a week during this campaign) do after this election? Who will you roast? What will you have accomplished, really? What has really changed by all of your inflammatory posts but to drive a wedge between every one and every group? Just like the candidates and the media have guided you to do, driven you to express…you are not unifiers. You have become just as devisive as them all. Pity! Can’t wait for the end of the drama…

© 2010-2017 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

The Myth of the Other Woman

Yes. I said it out loud.

It is my belief that the idea of the “other woman” is a true myth.

And yes, I fully expect to get some backlash for that.

But, please, hear me out.

I believe that, like a fence, there are only two sides to the idea of the “other woman”:

  • the side where you get hurt
  • the side where the other woman gets hurt

Buried somewhere in there are different degrees of pain. Some of the pain lasts longer than the rest. This is a matter of perception, as most everything in life is. Other critical factors in the pain that is felt are the true level of commitment in the relationship, and the level of perceived commitment in the relationship of both the guy(s) and the gal(s).

Yes, I just inferred that it might be in your head. I can only say that because I have been there too – both when it is real, and when I manufactured it. As a writer and an analyst, I have a tendency to overthink  A LOT.

In reality, the idea of the “other woman” is not about the other woman at all; it is about you and the guy. It’s that simple.

At this point in our lives, most of us gals should have already seen both sides of this fence; and, depending on your perception, become connected to men who traverse both sides, and the middle. Needless to say, all of us have been damaged by it.

How much you are damaged by this scenario comes down to how you cope with your own identity, your honesty with that identity, and your honesty when communicating to your guy.

You become as damaged as you allow yourself to become.

The good news is that, like most everything in this life, you have a choice. Your choice is determined by the boundaries that you set for yourself, which in turn come from how you work through past relationships in conjunction with your own inner woman.

I, like many women my age, have seen my share of both sides. I have been hurt terribly. I have scars.

I have had to turn my back on a really good man because I chose not to be a part of jeopardizing his existing relationship after I found out that he and I were going down a dark path together. I have had to turn my back on two really good men because each of them overstepped the boundaries that I set for myself. The thing about that is I didn’t have a solid knowledge of those boundaries until I was already immersed in the situation.

In these cases, I was the other woman, just on different sides of the fence. They  were really good men who were struggling with their own issues and were straddling the fence in the middle.

But, I gave of myself to the best of my ability because it was the right thing to do. I didn’t point fingers, I didn’t get angry (well, maybe not too angry).

When I emerged, I was a stronger woman for all of it and continue to gain strength, wisdom, and can still love completely.

No matter what side of the “other woman” fence you are currently on, here are some pointers that I have tried and found to work well, if you have the strength to employ them consistently:

  • Be honest with yourself and your guy about exactly what type of relationship you both think you are in.
  • This involves a strong level of open communication.
  • Clearly identify – for yourself – what you will and will not put up with; then set the standard.
  • Be patient; sometimes it takes some time for an unfamiliar standard to become the norm.
  • When the norm is established, do not waver (too much).
  • Hold yourself, and him, accountable.
  • Be flexible; we are all people with our own demons and challenges.
  • When you get to the point of love, love completely and unconditionally, regardless of the outcome.
  • Protect your heart.
  • Remember that this is not all about you; there are two other people involved along with you.

This situation is not an easy one to navigate, particularly when there is so much bad and ill-informed literature out there. If you allow the bad advice in, it can result in empowering you to point fingers, label, control, and establish a selfish point of view in order to move through it. This type of advice will only complicate your situation.

Good luck being the other woman! If you’re lucky, you will learn to relax and enjoy the ride.

© 2010-2016 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

Tales From The Dating Scene: The 90-Day Shelf Life

What I am about to write might sound crass, or jaded. But it is the truth.

What you are about to read started several years ago when I began wondering why every relationship I decided to get into seemed to not be able to last longer than 90 days.

I think I have finally figured it out. It all comes down to shopping habits.

Think about how you shop. Whether you are shopping for food, or clothes, or towels, the process is usually the same. You pick up an item that interests you, you look at it, maybe view it from several angles, and then put it down. You scan down the shelf for other similar items. You pick up one or two. Put them down. Read a few labels, look at prices. You think about how that item will fit into your house and your life. Eventually, you come to a decision and buy it. Or put it down in the interest of something else.

This is the life of a commodity in the eyes of a consumer.

From within the dating scene, the men you meet and date  are the same, only a commodity. And you are only a commodity to them.

“Here’s something else to think about: calling when you say you’re going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can’t lay this one stupid brick down, you ain’t never gonna have a house baby, and it’s cold outside.” ~ Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys. 

Similar to the shopping scene and process, you go online and view their images, you read their bios, you decide if they would be something you like, you weigh their qualities against those of other men, maybe you try them on by going on a date or two, and then you take the plunge…or not.

Straightforward. Simple. Man or woman, we are all doing it the same way.

With some items, like food, or even clothes, you get them home and maybe use them or put them away somewhere.

No matter what, every commodity has a shelf life. A shelf life is defined as a period of time during which the product is considered most usable. For food, this could mean that eventually the food will expire and have to be thrown away because it is no longer safely edible. For clothes, this could mean that after so many washings it will begin to look faded or even fall apart.

Same applies to relationships on the dating scene. They all have a shelf life.

“Never rearrange your life in order to meet Mr. Darcy half way. If he couldn’t see your worth at the moment you met then he won’t two years later.” ~ Shannon L. Adler

There are articles out there that suggest that the shelf life of a new relationship is biologically and scientifically proven. The shelf life of a new relationship in the dating scene is roughly 90 days.

The explanation for the 90-day shelf life on new relationships is compelling. Basically, it states that within the first 90 days of meeting someone that we are attracted to, our hormones and instincts make it virtually impossible for us to see the things about that person that we should be. We are wired to look past the personality quirks and the idiosyncrasies in order to facilitate procreation. We are wired to not focus on the red flags unless they are life-threatening. To read more, go to Your Tango.

So, yes, the honeymoon phase that we all go through is not a myth and is biologically based. Only after the hormones and instinctual nature have simmered down do our brains then have the capacity to analyze what we are up against.

“One of the best times for figuring out who you are & what you really want out of life? Right after a break-up.” ~ Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass. 

Recently, during a forensic analysis with a group of friends over my most recent failed relationship, I was told about the concept of a 90-day rule. My first reaction was that it had to do with not having sex in a relationship for 90 days. Personally, I don’t think sex has a lot to do with whether or not a relationship succeeds.

It was explained to me that the 90-day rule is more about just having fun and using the period of 90 days to determine whether or not you really want to continue with this person. That after 90 days, either one of you can decide that it’s not going to work or you can decide that hey this is kind of good and let’s keep going.

What a new fresh approach. You mean, I can look at these guys as a “thing”, a commodity? I don’t have to jump in and try to make it work at all costs? I can enjoy myself and look past their oddities, and in 90 days just say no to the continuing ordeal?

“You picked a lemon, throw it away. Lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.” ~ Greg Behrendt

It was a completely different perspective. And, it is completely out of line with my whole process of shopping. When I shop, and then buy something, I tend not to return things quickly. I make them work. But, I am also highly selective and put a lot of time into the initial selection. I am not an impulse shopper by any means.

On the flipside, I now understand that the men I have dated are exactly that, impulse shoppers. And I was their commodity, along with all the other women whom they had previously used and then discarded.

I buy value and in small quantities, with the intent to nurture and grow it. They bought quantity with the intent of going out and buying something else the minute they became bored or dissatisfied. And, like returning it to the store because it doesn’t do what you thought it would, I became their commodity.

Interesting – the things we learn when we look under the rocks and into the dark crevices.

I am so excited for the next “relationship”. I have done the analysis, learned something new, and have a new toolset to play with next time.

Watch out guys – your time is up.

© 2010-2016 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

Catch-up Thoughts For The Days

OK – so now I’m all caught up.

November 6 ~ Forget kindergarten! Everything we really need to know is embedded in the music we listened to in our teenage years. “Surrender, surrender, but don’t give yourself away.” Cheap Trick knew the answer. How did I miss that all these years?

November 8 ~ “Courage is fear that has said it’s prayers and has decided to go forward anyways.” ~ Joyce Meyer

November 10 ~ “Every dog has it’s day; every day has it’s was of being forgotten.” ~ lyrics from What Would You Say by Dave Matthews

December 8 ~ Contrition, clemency, brutal honesty, and humility. Let’s see where this goes…

December 11 ~ Time to retreat to the relative safety of the space below the radar for awhile. Apparently some people don’t fully appreciate proactive and forthright.

December 13 ~ “The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress” ~ Joseph Joubert

December 16 ~ “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something sometime in your life.” ~ Winston Churchill

December 17 ~ “Lord remove anybody out of my life that means me no good, serves me no good purpose, and is not real and loyal. Bless me with the discernment to realize and give me the strength to let go and don’t look back.” ~ unknown

December 18 ~ “It’s no who you were; it’s who you are.” ~ lyrics from Isadore by Incubus

December 19 ~ “Change the system, and you’ll change the behaviors of the people in that system.” ~ It’s a Trap! Agile Lessons from Star Wars by Todd Sheridan (www.rallydev.com)

December 24 ~ The lines in the stores during Christmas shopping must be what livestock feel like while in line to be slaughtered.

December 25 ~ This day is not about how tall the tree is, how many nutcrackers we have, how many presents we give or receive, how perfect our dining table looks, nor even about whether we have turkey or ham for Christmas dinner. This day is about peace, hope, and joy in what a baby named Jesus brought to us. It is about the salvation He gave our souls – salvation from sin, the smallest to the largest – in the name of God.

December 26 ~ “Christmas, my child is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas.” ~ Dale Evans

December 28 ~ “The best revenge is always to just happily move on and let karma do the rest.” ~ unknown

December 29 ~ “People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest, anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” ~ Mother Teresa

© 2010-2016 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.