Thoughts for the Days

~ “At the precipice, we all change.”  ~ paraphrase from The Day The Earth Stood Still

~ Who needs free speech anyhow?

~ Re-read Ayn Rand, Leo Tolstoy, George Orwell. That appears to be where America is heading.

~”If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” ~ Romans 12:18

~ Hatred is a choice, no matter what direction it is pointed and regardless of the cause. Groups don’t make choices; individuals make choices. Check yourself!

~ Just because you can, does it mean you should…and why would you want to do that anyhow?

~ “Just because there are things you haven’t heard about doesn’t mean that they don’t exist.” ~ Unknown

~ “Find a penny; pick it up.”

© 2010-2017 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

Advertisements

Why I Write

To be honest, I write mainly for me. It’s a selfish interest – or at least it begins that way.

Writing helps me analyze everything: me, things, people, spaces, events, thoughts, perceptions. I guess it is one way that I have found to maintain my sanity when nothing seems to make sense.

Sometimes the writing comes at the beginning of the analysis. Most times, it comes toward the end as I strive to put the pieces together – pieces that I have been spinning and re-positioning in my head for God knows how long – and prepare to move on.

And everything gets analyzed in my world. If it is personally compelling enough for any reason, it gets written, and usually published to this blog.

Once a piece is written, and published, it becomes public domain and holds the power to influence a reader in whatever way the reader needs to perceive it.

Its message is perceived and used in ways only the reader can fathom. To a reader, my reason for writing becomes personal to him or her. It is no longer about me.

To a reader, I write for different reasons. And, in reality, these other reasons are a secondary benefit to me as well. If my writing has the power to achieve these goals for other people, in their time of need, then it was time and effort well spent.

To a reader, I might write……

To educate

To enlighten

To inspire

To reveal hope

To commiserate

To vent

To entertain

To change perspective

To deliver a message 

I met up with a few friends for drinks, and during the course of conversation I revealed that I am not a caregiver personality. I mean anyone that knows me knows that I have a good heart (at least, I hope they do); but I don’t ordinarily go out of my way to help others unless I am asked or unless I am keenly aware that they need and will accept my help.

That said, I hope that my writing “helps” others to work through their own issues in their own time, in their own way.

In a prismatic manner, maybe I am a caregiver after all.

© 2010-2017 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

Thoughts for the Days

~ If you can’t own it, don’t do it.

~ Gotta love the strength of a long-awaited and well-earned revelation. It has the power to flush away – in an instant – months of emotional turmoil and to restore stability and self-confidence.

~ “Nothing is unknown. It is only temporarily hidden.” ~ Star Trek Beyond

~ “In the end what you don’t surrender the world just strips away.” ~ Human Touch by Bruce Springsteen

~ “Life, for all its anguish, is ours. It belongs to no other.” ~ quoted from Penny Dreadful, Season 3, Episode 1

~ There is meaning in many of life’s events – tragedies, triumphs, disappointments, successes. All you need is the courage to look into the shadows to see what was hidden before and to be unafraid to connect the pieces.

~ What will you – the biased political pundits of FB (you are part of this group if you have made more than 1 politically tainted post a week during this campaign) do after this election? Who will you roast? What will you have accomplished, really? What has really changed by all of your inflammatory posts but to drive a wedge between every one and every group? Just like the candidates and the media have guided you to do, driven you to express…you are not unifiers. You have become just as devisive as them all. Pity! Can’t wait for the end of the drama…

© 2010-2017 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

Dear Mr. President

Preamble:

Let’s get some facts established first:

  • I did not vote for Trump, nor for Clinton.
  • I am not a millenial.
  • I am gainfully employed but have seen troubles over my life that have placed me, at times, in less than desirable circumstances from which I had to crawl my way out, dragging a family behind me.
  • I am a conservative, not a Fascist.
  • As a conservative, yes, I do believe in basic human rights and justices.
  • I believe in hard work ~ for everyone.
  • I do not believe in the political machine, including the main and mid stream media that snivels around it and has all of us by the balls and is slowly squeezing.
  • I believe in peaceful demonstration, as one of our Constitutional rights, but I do not by any means advocate violence of any kind.
  • I know that many of you will read this and be insulted, even now, over a week after the election.
  • I do not apologize for my opinion, nor my position.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

With that aside, let me continue.

After many days of contemplation, peppered with vicious exchanges with people whom I have called friends for several years, I have decided to express a few thoughts and feelings that I have been harboring.

As much as many of us have tried to keep things civilized in the wake of your election victory last week, it has proven almost impossible.download

Actually, if I had to classify it, I would say it is social warfare out there. No longer warfare between the proverbial haves and have nots. Nor between the sexes. And it really is not even a war between the races.

It is a war of principles. It is a war of perceived standards. It is a war between intangible thought processes and subjective belief systems; belief systems that have been grown, pruned, and stunted by untold years of personal experience and the molding of each individual. It has resulted in histrionics of epic proportions, across multiple societal lines.

The war zone is real out here, President-elect Trump, and it is slowly gathering momentum – taking prisoners and accumulating casualties.

It is a war steeped in fear, resentment, spite.

It has made some good people make bad behavior choices. good_versus_bad

Here are some of the behaviors I have personally experienced. Sadly, some of the behaviors I have personally experienced; some of the behaviors mimic what you yourself – and the portion of your supporters constantly spotlighted by the mainstream media – exhibited on the campaign trail.

Name-calling – marginalizing – stereotyping – pitting of one group against another – judging and accusations – assumptions – more accusations – immoral and unprincipled characterizations

The example that you set during the campaign has become an artifact that we, the people, are now forced to grapple with in the aftermath, down in the trenches.pto5kkl7c

We have been made aware of our divisions. Those divisions have been drawn into the light. Spotlighted and amplified. Somehow, over the course of this campaign year, people with lesser moral character or weak emotional constitution have become indoctrinated with a sense that they can bully and attack and accuse anyone else from the other camp. Fundamentally good people have been convinced that they can now make these bad choices, and that they are justified for doing so.

They have gotten the idea that they don’t have to respect each other’s opinion if that opinion resonates from the other side.

Somehow, people are increasingly getting the idea that it is acceptable now to judge someone based on the group they affiliate with instead of the moral fabric of that person’s  own character.

It has become impossible to discuss rationally with someone from “the other camp” unless that person has embraced a level of maturity that allows them to gracefully accept and move on. Notice that I did not pinpoint any “camp”. It is followers of both camps, plus some, who are behaving badly.

And many are not moving on gracefully.images

They are refusing to accept the election results. They are refusing to even give you and your new administration a chance because they are so blinded by the other garbage.

They are finding you guilty before you have even made a move.

immaturity

 

If nothing else at this point, you have shaken up the status quo. Not surprising, a bit scary, and necessary.

I, for one Mr. President-elect, will do my best to represent a positive front in the turmoil that is raging. Many people of my like mind are working hard to do the same thing. Because, despite some of the despicable things you did and said during the election, those things are no more despicable than many of the things that a multitude of career politicians, including your rivals and those you are currently appointing to your staff, have done for decades. Difference is your actions and words were publicized and spotlighted while the others slithered around in the mud and tried to pretend that they were righteous, good, and doing what they did in the best interest of the American public.

But I wonder, what is happening to principles, standards, love, acceptance?

While many of us wish that we were not beginning a new chapter under such social duress, we are hopeful that as you are sworn in that you will show us a different side than what the media decided to entertain and enrage us with during your campaign and that the changes you evoke will make us a better people and a better nation.

Good luck, Mr. President-elect.

© 2010-2016 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

Thoughts For The Days

July 1 ~ “He’s got to make his own mistakes and learn to mend the mess he makes. He’s old enough to know what’s right and young enough not to choose it. He’s noble enough to win the world but weak enough to lose it.” ~ lyrics from New World Man by Rush

July 4 ~ “Home is not a place or a lifestyle, but the state of your heart and all the people who take their place in it.” ~ from Trail of Broken Wings by Sejal Badani

July 7 ~ Friends are great. Great friends are the best!

July 11 ~ We live. And, yes, we learn. But, what compels us to repeat the mistakes and the bad patterns of the past.

July 12 ~ I refuse to be just another option. Someone else can take that dirty job.

July 13 ~ Of course we can’t be friends anymore, silly. You betrayed me. “It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.” ~ William Blake

July 14 ~ Test case halted. 90 shelf life confirmed. Anyone can play a role for 90 days. But, in the end, the true self cannot be suppressed and always rises to break the facade.

July 15 ~ No matter how angry someone makes you, or how badly they hurt you, at some point you owe it to yourself to:

Forgive yourself for bad behavior in the heat of anger
Forgive them for the pain they caused you
Have compassion for the part of their life journey that brought them to that action

And….pray for them

You might not believe that they deserve any compassion. But, turn the tables and know that, if you were on the other side, you would want that from them at some point.

And then….turn your back and walk away, in peace.

July 26 ~ “…all the knowledge in the world is of no use to fools…and it’s a long road out of Eden…” ~ lyrics from Long Road Out of Eden by The Eagles

July 27 ~ It is courageous enough to live by being who you are. The real challenge is identifying who you could be and then striving for that. Success is possible when the support of like-minded friends and family is there to help you.

July 28 ~ “I {knew} the pieces fit ’cause I watched them fall away. Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing….” Yup, yup!! Sad but inevitably true. ~ lyrics from Schism by Tool

© 2010-2016 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

The Myth of the Other Woman

Yes. I said it out loud.

It is my belief that the idea of the “other woman” is a true myth.

And yes, I fully expect to get some backlash for that.

But, please, hear me out.

I believe that, like a fence, there are only two sides to the idea of the “other woman”:

  • the side where you get hurt
  • the side where the other woman gets hurt

Buried somewhere in there are different degrees of pain. Some of the pain lasts longer than the rest. This is a matter of perception, as most everything in life is. Other critical factors in the pain that is felt are the true level of commitment in the relationship, and the level of perceived commitment in the relationship of both the guy(s) and the gal(s).

Yes, I just inferred that it might be in your head. I can only say that because I have been there too – both when it is real, and when I manufactured it. As a writer and an analyst, I have a tendency to overthink  A LOT.

In reality, the idea of the “other woman” is not about the other woman at all; it is about you and the guy. It’s that simple.

At this point in our lives, most of us gals should have already seen both sides of this fence; and, depending on your perception, become connected to men who traverse both sides, and the middle. Needless to say, all of us have been damaged by it.

How much you are damaged by this scenario comes down to how you cope with your own identity, your honesty with that identity, and your honesty when communicating to your guy.

You become as damaged as you allow yourself to become.

The good news is that, like most everything in this life, you have a choice. Your choice is determined by the boundaries that you set for yourself, which in turn come from how you work through past relationships in conjunction with your own inner woman.

I, like many women my age, have seen my share of both sides. I have been hurt terribly. I have scars.

I have had to turn my back on a really good man because I chose not to be a part of jeopardizing his existing relationship after I found out that he and I were going down a dark path together. I have had to turn my back on two really good men because each of them overstepped the boundaries that I set for myself. The thing about that is I didn’t have a solid knowledge of those boundaries until I was already immersed in the situation.

In these cases, I was the other woman, just on different sides of the fence. They  were really good men who were struggling with their own issues and were straddling the fence in the middle.

But, I gave of myself to the best of my ability because it was the right thing to do. I didn’t point fingers, I didn’t get angry (well, maybe not too angry).

When I emerged, I was a stronger woman for all of it and continue to gain strength, wisdom, and can still love completely.

No matter what side of the “other woman” fence you are currently on, here are some pointers that I have tried and found to work well, if you have the strength to employ them consistently:

  • Be honest with yourself and your guy about exactly what type of relationship you both think you are in.
  • This involves a strong level of open communication.
  • Clearly identify – for yourself – what you will and will not put up with; then set the standard.
  • Be patient; sometimes it takes some time for an unfamiliar standard to become the norm.
  • When the norm is established, do not waver (too much).
  • Hold yourself, and him, accountable.
  • Be flexible; we are all people with our own demons and challenges.
  • When you get to the point of love, love completely and unconditionally, regardless of the outcome.
  • Protect your heart.
  • Remember that this is not all about you; there are two other people involved along with you.

This situation is not an easy one to navigate, particularly when there is so much bad and ill-informed literature out there. If you allow the bad advice in, it can result in empowering you to point fingers, label, control, and establish a selfish point of view in order to move through it. This type of advice will only complicate your situation.

Good luck being the other woman! If you’re lucky, you will learn to relax and enjoy the ride.

© 2010-2016 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

Tales From The Dating Scene: Replay

Until recently, I would have told you that – based on my own past experience – it is impossible to get back together with an ex and sustain it.

The behavior patterns are still there. The same things that broke your relationship up the first time are likely still lingering and will cause distress and pain again.

I would also have told you that getting back together with your ex probably is not psychologically or emotionally healthy. As you put yourself out on that limb again, with the same person and the same behaviors that were toxic before, you again expose yourself to risk that you have already lived through and moved past (or hopefully moved past). Pain you already experienced.

Like sticking yourself with a needle over and over or banging your head against a wall, getting back with an ex is like a distorted type of masochism.ex image

That is what I would have told you.

Until recently.

Let me share with you some things that I have learned during this new journey:

  1. Be extremely honest with yourself and with each other – where you are at now, and what you learned – both good and not so good – the first time around.
  2. Discuss the above from the beginning of this new journey – DO NOT DELAY. If you delay too long, you risk falling back into the same patterns.
  3. Recognize the great things about yourself and your ex. Now that you both have absorbed the bad behaviors, it is the perfect time to focus on the positive and good.
  4. Identify specific behaviors that you want to change this time – and share with each other. It is important to regain trust in each other. This is a fresh opportunity to grow and mature – together.
  5. Trust is not built in a vacuum. Take those small steps together to build that trust again, slowly.
  6. Relax, slow down, and let go. Enjoy the time together without clenching on too tightly.
  7. Try to reduce, if not eliminate, frivolous expectations.
  8. Maintain separate interests, friends, and goals. Do NOT lose yourself in the other.
  9. Do new things together and foster new experiences and new memories.

By no means am I suggesting that getting back with an ex is for everyone.

positive

But, one of the advantages of getting back with your ex is that you already know what you are getting into. Sure, some of that is irritating. But, on the other hand, there are sure to also be some enjoyable things that you honestly missed. Short of your ex being a murderer or being just plain extreme, it is that much less that you have to struggle to learn over again than if you were to get into a relationship with someone new.

You already know whether the other snores, how they take their coffee, how punctual they are, or how long they spend in the shower. What makes them laugh, what them smile, what makes them happy. Instead of re-learning that about someone new, you can take that same amount of time investigating the awesome things about your ex – just in case you both did not have time to do that the first time around.

In this way, you forge a new, stronger relationship. Who knows, it might be the second chance that you’ve both been waiting for.

ex-boyfriend-300x239

© 2010-2016 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.