Catch-up Thoughts For The Days

OK – so now I’m all caught up.

November 6 ~ Forget kindergarten! Everything we really need to know is embedded in the music we listened to in our teenage years. “Surrender, surrender, but don’t give yourself away.” Cheap Trick knew the answer. How did I miss that all these years?

November 8 ~ “Courage is fear that has said it’s prayers and has decided to go forward anyways.” ~ Joyce Meyer

November 10 ~ “Every dog has it’s day; every day has it’s was of being forgotten.” ~ lyrics from What Would You Say by Dave Matthews

December 8 ~ Contrition, clemency, brutal honesty, and humility. Let’s see where this goes…

December 11 ~ Time to retreat to the relative safety of the space below the radar for awhile. Apparently some people don’t fully appreciate proactive and forthright.

December 13 ~ “The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress” ~ Joseph Joubert

December 16 ~ “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something sometime in your life.” ~ Winston Churchill

December 17 ~ “Lord remove anybody out of my life that means me no good, serves me no good purpose, and is not real and loyal. Bless me with the discernment to realize and give me the strength to let go and don’t look back.” ~ unknown

December 18 ~ “It’s no who you were; it’s who you are.” ~ lyrics from Isadore by Incubus

December 19 ~ “Change the system, and you’ll change the behaviors of the people in that system.” ~ It’s a Trap! Agile Lessons from Star Wars by Todd Sheridan (www.rallydev.com)

December 24 ~ The lines in the stores during Christmas shopping must be what livestock feel like while in line to be slaughtered.

December 25 ~ This day is not about how tall the tree is, how many nutcrackers we have, how many presents we give or receive, how perfect our dining table looks, nor even about whether we have turkey or ham for Christmas dinner. This day is about peace, hope, and joy in what a baby named Jesus brought to us. It is about the salvation He gave our souls – salvation from sin, the smallest to the largest – in the name of God.

December 26 ~ “Christmas, my child is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas.” ~ Dale Evans

December 28 ~ “The best revenge is always to just happily move on and let karma do the rest.” ~ unknown

December 29 ~ “People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest, anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” ~ Mother Teresa

© 2010-2016 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

Tales From The Dating Scene: Meanwhile Into The Forest I Go

I’m almost positive that I have finally figured out something. Something about me – about dating – about middle-aged men.

It’s about time, actually. I have been hammering at this dating scene, and it has been hammering at me, for several years now. I am about as bruised as I want to get.

It’s definitely time to identify it, heal, and breathe.

Let me set the stage by listing some characteristics of what we face when dating in middle age:

  • All of us have been through at least one, if not multiple, long term committed relationships.
  • Many of us have children from those previous relationships.
  • We are set in our ways.
  • With luck, we know a lot more about ourselves and people in general.
  • Many of us are looking to find that safe place that we once inhabited when we were happily connected to a significant other.
  • We all have fear.

With that in mind, many of us trudge on through the dating scene, carrying the baggage and trying to find happiness with someone else. To that end, we tolerate, and even accept, rudeness, lewdness, assholes, and players. If we are lucky, we will encounter a true gentleman at some point. That is what we are seeking, right? A man who is better than the one before and who will treat us the way we deserve. We seek a gentleman who will hold the door, whether it is the car door or the restaurant door, be satisfied with holding hands, laughing, and sharing. Unfortunately, Hollywood has set that gold standard, and it is one that we can never achieve. But, that is a topic for another post.

Back to reality.
facadesChances are that all of the above qualities of the gentleman we seek are likely a façade to some degree – enacted and polished in order to navigate the dating scene successfully, just like we women do.

Remember: façades fade or crumble, and ultimately reveal the truth underneath. It’s only a matter of time.

So we wait, and hope. And we continue to put up with the bullshit, while carrying our baggage.

If you are one of the lucky ones, the façade will not be too far different from the underlying base of the man. It is much easier to make a decision on how to move forward when you know the reality for what it is.

One of the pitfalls – one that I just recently realized, despite how many times it has confronted me – is that in the effort to get to what is underneath the façade, we wander too far into the false security of a shared connection, and all the illusions that accompany that. A symptom of this is that you risk losing yourself as you prematurely entwine yourself with a man whom you really don’t know well.

Think of it like a manicured garden, with paths and picnic benches and fountains. On the edge of this manicured garden is a luscious forest. One day, after having enjoyed the precision and expected joys of the garden, you find yourselves wandering down a path from the open, manicured garden into the forest. It’s not that the forest is bad or that the garden was not enjoyable. I love forests – waterfalls, trees, bird calls, solitude – and gardens.

forest

Forest at the edge of the garden

Let’s face the reality though: gardens can get boring and forests can get deep, dark, and scary.

forest_2

Deep, dark, and scary

This is where you can lose yourself. Boredom and fear have a way of stripping away strengths that we have spent a lifetime to forge. As our strengths retreat, we can tend to cling to something that is not really there, or to someone who is not as strong as we first thought him to be.

Before you know it, not only have you lost touch with yourself, but the man who you thought was “the next one” has silently slipped away because he succumbed to fear.

Or, he decided that it was time to look for the next target.

Either way, if you are not careful, you will not only be alone – again – but you will have to find your way out of the forest and back to the garden. And, many times, that can be a long, painful journey that depends on how deep into that forest you ventured and how quickly you can retrieve yourself.

The moral to this story: stay in the manicured garden as long as you can. Not only will it give you a chance to learn how to maintain your strengths and your soul while standing alongside your companion, but it will give you the space and time to identify the issues that could cause your companion to abandon you at the worst possible moment, like when you are in the middle of the forest, the dark has descended, and the path is nowhere to be found.

© 2010-2016 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.