Tales From the Dating Scene: The Ex in The Closet

Hi there. My name is Rachel. I’m here to confess that I am the ex who will mess things up for you.

My boyfriend, his name is Mark, and I broke up about 2 months ago. I guess that makes him my ex, not my boyfriend. My bad.

It was mutual, our breakup. But I didn’t really know that until we broke up. We’ve been together since February. We met on a dating site and hit it off right away. The conversations, we both like doing the same things, and the sex. Man. Yep, is was good.

But I noticed that there were things that were bugging me about him. The biggest problem for me is that I wasn’t sure that he would ever be successful enough, you know, make enough money to take care of me. I don’t have a great job, and sometimes the hours aren’t enough to cover me for the week. At this stage in my life, I just don’t want to be worrying about that.

When we broke up, Mark told me the things that had been bothering him about me. I was shocked but since I was over him already, it didn’t really matter. So, we parted on friendly terms and we didn’t contact each other after that.

I started dating again but the guys I was meeting were all so average, and boring.

One night, I was on the dating site and I saw Mark’s profile. After that, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

And then, one evening, I saw a tweet he made while on a date. I thought to myself: wow, that used to be me. I remembered all the good times we had, the laughs, the inside jokes. He was about to do all of that with another woman.

So, I began texting him. Not alot, and nothing serious. Just stuff that I knew would get him to respond.

And…he did. Lol…wonder what the new chick will think when she finds out that he still loves me. He can’t possibly love her. He knows me. We have – history.


If you are that woman, like the one my friend Mark is dating, you are in for a bit of a bumpy ride.

Rachel – and all women like Rachel – has not moved on like she promised she could and would do. Or, at least she did what she promised, but only while there was no competition. Basically, she remained in Mark’s room but moved into his closet – seemingly out of the spotlight enough for him not to pay attention to her, masked, shadowed, and out of reach – when she should have walked out of his room, out of his house, and around the corner. Out of sight.

Once Mark began getting serious about you, Rachel’s promise was not so important to her any more. She probably had feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Perhaps she was still dealing with wondering if she had done or said something different while she and Mark were together, maybe he wouldn’t have turned away. Either way, Rachel truly believes that she still holds the power over Mark to make him change his mind, regardless of how good or better you are for Mark at this stage.

Most women strongly believe that they can change people’s minds and actions. However, if Rachel truly loves Mark, she would want to do what is in “his” best interest, not what is her perception of his best interest. It’s all in the perspective.

As the woman that Mark is dating, you owe it to both of you to openly discuss the issue. Find out where his head really is at with Rachel and allow him the freedom to decide. He has to decide; he cannot have both of you. When he makes that decision, hold him to it. Believe me, from someone who has been on both sides of this, you will be free and clear to move on, either with “Mark”, or just on to what is next.

holdingon-breakups-love-life-QuotesIf you are Mark, you need to know that Rachel will not go away on her own…at least not at this point. She needs a firm decision from you about where you stand and what you expect. Otherwise, she will keep believing that she has the power to convince you. And maybe she would be right. But you owe it to yourself, and to the new woman in your life, to take a step in one direction or another, instead of straddling both. Unless a woman like Rachel is self-aware enough to do what is in your best interest (most women are not at that level), she will continue to insert herself as much as you allow her to.

Finally, if you are Rachel, look inside and try to understand yourself, and your motives. Are you pursuing this because you really want Mark back? Why? Have the courage to ask the tough questions of yourself and the persistence to get to the answers. Or are you just jealous of the other woman, and your motive is to make both his life, and her life, miserable because you think you can?

Relationships are tough; they are more difficult in the beginning, when platforms and understandings are being defined. We owe it to ourselves, whether we are Rachel or Mark or the new woman, to respect each other where we are at. Only with that respect can we move to what is waiting for each of us.

© 2010-2015 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.


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