Undone On The Un-Holiday

Happy-Valentines-DayToday, I received a Valentine’s greeting from a male friend. Not a new occurrence, by any means. He sends one every year. He is one of my best friends with the biggest heart.

But, his greeting did not have the effect that I am sure he intended it to have.  To be honest, his greeting might not have had any intended effect at all.

Quite possibly, I am completely over-analyzing it.

This, as well, would not be a new occurrence.

Nonetheless, here I am.

I suppose there are a few things I should have felt:

  • loved
  • cared for
  • included
  • wanted

After all, he did take time out of his busy morning to think about me.

Sadly, I didn’t feel any of those.

Even while I was appreciative of his effort, what I felt instead was simple melancholy.

I’m not sure why it hit me like this because I have always thought of Valentine’s Day as an un-holiday: a Hallmark event and only one more way for the masses to spend lots of money on things that none of them need and that are mostly irrelevant to the true meaning of love.

Another temporary frenzy that will wind down and blend into the next un-holiday.Amusable-pink-flowers-bunch

Maybe all those years that I was happily married I took for granted that my husband and my sparkly married relationship would last forever. When Valentine’s Day rolled around every year, I grew to expect roses and chocolates, sometimes champagne and a romantic dinner at a nice restaurant. As our relationship started to falter, the only thing that I could count on was the flowers, because all the other great things about our marriage fell to the ground and shattered.

But, again, he still bought me flowers.

Is it irony that now, I both miss and hate the idea of Valentine’s Day and its misappropriated expectations?

As my relationship crumbled, and I plowed through a divorce and the aftermath of emotion that came with it, the concept of love, of men in general, became anathema. Unpalatable and nauseating.

valentines-dayI scoffed at Valentine’s Day decorations in the stores and ridiculed women who needed that attention, who expected that attention. They must be weak and are definitely needy.

Now that the destruction of my marriage, my old life, is complete and the memory of “him” has fallen into the shadows, along with a few failed relationships since then, I find myself feeling lonely. I can be with great friends, laughing and enjoying my time. Yet, I still feel that loneliness. Does this mean that I am ready to begin to want someone in my life again? That the closeness with a significant other is becoming more critical?

As I meander towards achieving my new goals, and a new life, I wonder if all the time I have spent fearing that bond, I probably have been secretly wanting it and trying to get back to it.

Could it be that the fear is being overtaken by need?

Say it isn’t so. I want a redo. I want to go back to before his text. Without that, I could have gone blissfully blind to the “significance” of today.

As you can see, his greeting was a grim reminder to me that I am still alone, and starting to feel a bit lonely.

© 2010-2014 Kimberly Yoss. All rights reserved. No part of this online publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior approval from Kimberly Yoss.

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One thought on “Undone On The Un-Holiday

  1. CAB says:

    It is an un-holiday but I would also blame it on February – which can make anyone feel a little meloncholy

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