I try to give you thanks, every day, for something, anything. But sometimes I am rushed or I forget. I don’t put as much thought and passion into it as it deserves or my thanks are superseded by my wants and needs.
Let’s see if I can change that, just once.
Thank you, God, first, for the path down which you have led me. It hasn’t been an easy one and I haven’t followed willingly most times. You know that I am not a follower by nature. It has been difficult for me to see Your vision. When I can’t see, I question you. I get far too comfortable in my ways. Complacent. So complacent that I create a haze. At first, that haze is comfortable. But soon it turns into despair and hopelessness. These two creep, hand in hand, in on my consciousness without my consent. They are so stealthy that they overwhelm me to a level that I can’t perceive.
But You can.
Thank you, God, for knowing me better than I know myself. For knowing exactly how long I will persist in my stupor, how long I will wallow in my complacency, how long I will resist Your calling. And then, as I slowly begin to feel the instability and the pain of the choices I make, I look in Your direction. Finally, I call to You. You are there, always, and You give me Your hand.
But I still hold back. You know I will, and You know why.
Thank you, God, for knowing exactly what prompt I need to push me in the direction You have chosen for me. You know my heart and my thoughts. You know best how I perceive the experiences, people, and issues in my life.
As I stand now, again, on the other side of that valley of despair, and despite the pain of the current leg of this journey, I feel the peace You intended for me. Finally. The promise of new and better things. The fear that allowed me to held onto things in a manner that You never intended has dissipated. They now hold a promise that is palpable because they are re-configured in Your design.
The path You have chosen for me is definitely not one through any rose garden or along any beach. At least, none that I know of. This path has been rough and scary. You know of all the times during my days, my nights, that I worry. When I worry, I start taking back that control again. Many times, control that is not mine.
I am sorry that I am so much trouble for You, Lord. I am sorry for my headstrong ways, my attitude of invincibility, my stubbornness. I hope that some of that is what you have instilled in me to help me along this rugged path. I hope that the rest I can get rid of….eventually.
All in all, thank you, Lord, for Your patience and persistence with this willful child. Thank you for loving me even when others don’t.
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